My thoughts today

Everything moves fast and it’s hard to keep track of all the developments that happen every day. My head has unprecedented clarity now and new thoughts and connections happen in it all the time. I have discovered how fast and smart I am. I can scan a room in seconds. My head is full of ideas, creativity and sometimes almost manic joie de vivre. When doom hits, and believe me, it still does, I am motivated to continue my fight by thinking about all the experiences of achievement, enjoyment and pure, sparkling happiness I have had in these three weeks and two days so far.

Here’s a list of a few things:

-I have started treatment at an ED clinic and stuck to all my three appointments. Yesterday at my third appointment my worker said she will invite me to talk to the inpatients of the clinic when I am a bit further along in my recovery. Cue Pihla’s heart bursting out in an explosion of Disney animation birds, hearts and glitter. I would freakin love to do that and when she said it, I knew that she too believed in my ability to recover. Yay!

-I have started the process of applying for my right to continue my Masters studies at the university where I previously had attempted this and due to being in severe denial/delusion about the severity of my illness, failed miserably. I hope to win back my Masters place but if I don’t, I will try to continue studies through another route. My Masters was a miserable experience because I had no concentration, memory or energy. I did not attribute these problems to my illness due to being so ill. Now that I’ve started recovery, I’m all Jimmy Cliff about it: ‘I can see clearly now…’. My Masters thesis, if I can write it, will examine dualism and how its invention has been problematic for the conceptualisation of illness (mental illness specifically).

-I have been to support groups at least twice a week. As well as getting help, I have been able to talk to others about hope and I have received comments thanking me of my contribution. This also makes me burst of happiness.

-I have started training to give expert by experience talks. I realise I can’t yet give talks as my recovery is so ‘fresh’ and very much a work in progress, but as soon as I feel up to it and ready, I will start.

-I am singing and playing music, and trying to write some original stuff with my partner and another friend. I am no longer always thinking ‘everything I do is shit and I should never attempt anything ever’, but rather that I can try my hand at this and let’s see what happens.

-I am making crafts and art, which I enjoy but rarely managed to before. I like making t-shirts at the moment, for my friends and for myself.

-I have just become unemployed and whilst that is the situation, I am allowing time for myself to recover and thinking that treatment, therapy, support groups, blogging and advocacy work is now my full-time job. I think that I deserve this and that I am not a bad person if I think the most important thing in my life now is that I work on my recovery. I will find a job eventually and I will be a good employee because my health will be better than before.

These are a few things. I am writing these down as I am having a bit of a strugglesome day today and need motivation to keep me going. I have three triggering things that I am doing today and the illness is trying its hardest to persuade me to be triggered into ED behaviours. But I am a stronger person than my illness is, so sashay away ED, sashay!

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