I don’t ‘gotta’ nothing

Yesterday, as I have advertised many times, was my 1-month anniversary. I feel a chip of some kind is in order. I decided to reward myself every time a month passes, to further stack up evidence against the ED. If I treat myself to something every month I’ve battled against the illness, I am having positive experiences brought on by me, not the ED. Which are better, eternal doom and terror, or nice experiences? Reader, you can decide, but I personally vote for the latter option.

So I was thinking what to do. One of the ideas was to get my make-up done by a professional. The only time I’ve ever tried that was on my wedding day (the less is said about *that* marriage, the better). I don’t care so much about spending time on face, but it would be fun to see what I look like when done up professionally. Will anyone recognize me? Anyway, I googled some options and they were a bit expensive and far away.

I thought of going to the cinema. The film I wanted to see was on at half past nine pm and I am an old lady. So no go.

I went past a flower shop. They had beautiful ranunculi for sale, in spring colours. Ranunculi are my favourite flowers in the world, but the ED hasn’t allowed me to buy them of course. Sadly, I was on my way to the library to work on my various typed projects and didn’t want to take a bunch of flowers with me to wilt away whilst I worked.

I decided to stop by a health food store. My mission was to buy nuts. Nuts previously made me nuts. Out of fear. I was scared of them, for they contain much energy and the dreaded fats, in a small amount of stuff. What a waste! My plan, undeterred by the ED’s ideas about these beautiful miracles of brain-aiding goodness, was to buy them now. I went in, Eye of the Tiger playing in my ears as per usual, and I selected a bunch of nuts, wasabi peas (I used to love them before I ‘went off food’) and other goodnesses. I also bought a few fancy snack bars and really fancy ginger vanilla tea. It cost me a whole 10 euros this goodness of mine. What senseless indulgence, thinks the ED. I do not.

Okay, this is like pretty basic shopping this, to many of our readers. But, like I exclaimed to the shopping assistant (I have a habit of doing this these days…), it was an occasion to me. It doesn’t matter that on my anniversary I did nothing ‘bigger’ than shop for nuts. That was a big step for me and something that benefits my health. More importantly, I took control. I went to that effin shop and I decided, ‘this is what I want and this is what I will do’. An experience more important than any make-up consultation, cinema trip or flowery accoutrement.

I don’t gotta do anything else. I don’t gotta force myself to do this or that to symbolize my recovery. I did something small that was big. I have control. The ED makes you lose it and you end up doing things all the time because you literally have to (compulsive thoughts and behaviours are, well, compulsive). Without ED I no longer have to. I decide. I decide. Read this ED, I decide.

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