Pihla examines her mind outside a shopping center

Dear readers, I’m about to say some stuff that you’ll maybe again find in some fairly entry-level book on EDs, but as I have not been able to absorb such information due to the illness, I don’t know any better. I’ve arrived at the conclusion I’ma bout to make, sitting outside just now, eating my luncheon. It just occurred to me there, but I’m writing it out to examine its validity I guess.

I went to the gym this morning, and then to somewhere else. More about the gym experience in another post. I was at this somewhere else when I began to feel the doom arise. I had not eaten enough to sustain me through gym visit to luncheon time, my mistake. Luckily help was on the horizon in the form of a supermarket luncheon counter (I really like the word luncheon…it feels pleasant to the tongue). I grabbed my lunch, in pre-doom mode, and quickly sat myself down in the sun. As I had my first bites, I was feeling pretty doomy. Like post-black-funereal doom doomy. I got to thinking, this is half of the doom that I used to feel before eating, during eating and shortly after eating, when I was very ill. No effin wonder then that I interpreted food as a terrible, anxiety-sustaining thing. Especially as, outwith my binging episodes, I used to try to eat healthily, and thus ate slow-absorbing food. D’oh! Blood sugar levels rise slowly – doom is sustained even longer.

I am sadly no scientist even if I am investigating my own self a lot currently. I just really would like to suggest there might be some validity in this ‘terror error’ I just investigated happening to me. Because I was always fasting for as long as it was possible, I was in doom when I had to eat. I interpreted that doom as fear of food, which then made food become this big ol monster in my ill mind. When I ate, I was unable to connect the happiness that follows from nourishing yourself with delicious and healthy food, to food, because the happiness didn’t instantly follow. I am also beginning to think as I am writing this, that I may have felt such a strong compulsion to binge on high-sugar foods because they lifted my blood sugar instantly and I was on some, albeit a subconscious/somatic, level of happiness that I was almost hooked on.

Wowsers, the things you end up thinking when your brain works again! Full recommendation to eating regular meals!

 

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