Old donkey show

I feel like an old donkey. One that’s been through some sort of desert war, an employee of the foreign legion perhaps. I have started hearing my body (I think this is because my brain and body connect again). And oh boy, it’s telling me things. Mostly about my profound state of unfitness and unhealth. My lower back hurts all the time. My spine feels extra crooked. My wrists are stiff. My stomach is upset. My skin is dry. All of this is amazing.

For many years I thought of myself as a machine. I will not be affected by anything, human behaviour, laws of nature. I refused to listen to anything my being (this marvellous psychophysical entity) was telling me. I used to wonder how people were able to identity that for example drinking coffee made them anxious or their heart flutter. I was anxious and fluttering all the time, in a state of confused fog. How could I see any links between anything from that fog.

Now, I’ve started to cut down on coffee. I drink a cup in the morning and feel its effect. A mild restlessness in my chest. I used to drink three cups in the morn and feel nothing. Now it’s total animation wide eyes style amazement. Wow! I feel things. I feel things!

I am grateful for having back ache, or stomach ache. It means I am allowing myself to be human, and I am able to hear myself tell myself about what I need. I have made a doctor’s appointment to check my bone density and my general health. I care about my (partly ill but improving) health. This is amazing.

I also have started to fear death ever so slightly. I worry about the damage my illness caused of course. I doubt things are irreversible, but I still worry sometimes. I wouldn’t go for a jog anytime soon, that’s for sure. Fear of death I find, might be the greatest blessing of them all. I didn’t have that for a long time as I mostly felt death would be a relief. Fearing it means I have something to live for now, and I do. I want to be alive. That too feels amazing.

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