Imagine the theme from Rocky playing in the background….

I have to motivate myself daily to keep on keeping on. I find a good thing to do is to look back at my successes. I started from a point in the not so hugely distant past where I was fearing for my life. I thought I suffered from a very extreme form of existential super-doom anxiety that was getting heavier and more intolerable every day. There was no cure that I could find to it, and I did try. At this point I didn’t know it was my ED that was causing all this trouble. Now I do. Success number 1! Identify the problem. I admitted to my crazy soon afterwards. I blurted all of my cray-cray thoughts out. Ill thoughts. Now they are spread out on the eternal lawn of my existence, ready to be examined and ridiculed by the healthy me. Success number 2! When I discovered I had an illness, I was ready as hell to seek help. I did and I mostly think (the ED causes blips in this) I deserve it so I am able to receive it. I have kept all my weekly appointments at the ED clinic so far and am able to discuss things at my weekly therapist appointment and the peer support groups I now very eagerly attend every time I can. Success number 3! Very importantly, I have asked for help from my small group of trusted people. If you are a friend and are reading this, it means a lot if you tell me that you believe in me and support me too. My ED makes me think I don’t deserve anything so asking for help or admitting to struggling is sometimes really difficult. But I have admitted to a couple of close friends, my parents and my most wonderful boyfriend that I need a lot of support. I ask for a lot at the moment, because I am working through days of battle and it is hard. I try to think that if someone else asked me similarly for my help, and if I had the resources (eg. I wasn’t completely on-death’s-door-ill myself), I would of course love to help and it would give me great pleasure to do so. So I may do the same during this time of need. Success number 4! Success number 5 could be for example that I have trained to speak as an expert by experience and will in the future be able to give talks about my experience to inform professionals, students, loved ones etc. about the complex nature of this illness. I can communicate a message of hope, which is the most important thing to sufferers and carers to hear out of any other message. Success number 5 could also be the countless ED-anxiety free experiences I have had recently, or the times I’ve enjoyed dining at restaurants and cafes enjoying food. It could be my application to continue studies in higher education, or the music I have made with friends. Or the research project I am currently thinking about relating to the field. There are many successes and I do not regret jumping into the unknown. I have never met anyone who has recovered from ED and regrets their recovery. Show me a person like that I dare you. I bet they don’t exist.

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