I cry a lot these days. I have named myself the Great Crying Phenomenon of 2018, among other things. I know better than to wear non-waterproof make-up when leaving my house. My pockets are full of stained tissues. Blue, turquoise, some black. They’re eye shadow stains. I cry in therapy, I cry in shops, at the doctor, on the street, in busses, in bars, in the sunshine.
Crying is always good but some Finns are too repressed to appreciate my public crying. I don’t mind too much. Tears have a wonderful soothing effect and when they come, they are always necessary. Like feelings. They tell us things we need to know! Yay!
I love feelings now. My body was all upside down for years and I didn’t cry much or feel feelings. When I felt something I was never quite sure what feeling it might be. Malnutrition, that eternal enemy of a healthy emotional existence! I am beginning to feel more somatic things like nervousness (a tickle at the bottom of my tummy, or a stormy sea if it’s something super-exciting that’s on the horizon), excitement (it’s not butterflies, it’s more like the dip down from the top of a roller coaster) or affection (like a slowly-encasing bodily glow of sorts, taking over my whole body like a really big huggy bear hugging me). Let me tell you no other person ever has ever been happier to have a nervousness-induced tummy ache than me. My consciousness and my body have finally met again! Pathways are long, strong and full of traffic. Wonderful!
I used to say to my boyfriend when we first met that doing certain things we did was like doing things ‘real humans’ do. Like if we went to a coffee shop, had a bun. Or went to the cinema. Or cleaned. Did something ‘real humans’ do. I think this was a point when I, on some pre-conscious, perhaps entirely somatic level, had understood that I was not a real human anymore. I had half shut down. I had lost a lot of the functions real humans had. I had none of the energy or ability to do things ‘real humans’ did. I felt I was floating on top of everything, like a ghost. In retrospect, I was like a ghost. Almost a dead (wo)man walking. That woman did not feel a lot, and cried a lot less than I do now.
Now I feel more like a real human every day. One that feels, cries and laughs. I don’t have to fake or play any part. I react genuinely to things instead of doing what I ought to do in whatever situation I am in. When you don’t feel, you pretend you do. Now I do. Cool beans.