I started my blog telling you, the internet, about a date. A very specific date. 26.2.2018. Tattooed on my wrist. Here’s another date: 3.5.2018. Yesterday. Which date is more important, the day when the battle started, or the day when it ended and you won? I can’t decide, so the tattoo may see an addition to it in the near future: ‘The Great Battle of Pihla, 26.2.2018-3.5.2018, nevör förget’. Or something…
Cos I won. Last night it happened. It was a fairly long and suffersome birth, with much blood, guts and swearing. Not that long a process though, two months and 1 week exactly. I am a fairly efficient person though, and every battle is different in length and quality. I *had* been in similar, minor pre-battles, on-off for years, for the last twenty or so…I’d met with the enemy, gotten to know it, its strengths and weaknesses…all this meta-work probably helped me a lot during this last two+ months.
Here’s how I won: first I identified that there was an enemy. This happened in the summer-fall of 2017. The enemy was the wrong one, so as much as I tried to battle against it, I didn’t get anywhere. The enemy’s cloak said ‘BPD’. I imagine it being like those Pink Ladies shiny bomber jackets in that one film but black, letters drawn in virgin blood or similar. Anyway, wrong tree, dog bark, etc. Enter the *correct* enemy, in Feb 2018. I have identified the enemy, the one stomping on my territory, causing havoc aplenty, so battle – commence! And it did. Long, arduous battle, for (you guessed it), two months and one week.
Last night however, the battle seized. There are many elements to recovery, many little things people said and did. Many little things I said and did. I realized, my enemy doesn’t exist. It’s easy to win a battle against yourself. You simply drop your weapon and commence dancing. Cannae be bothered fighting with maself, naa-naa-naaaa.
Let me clarify. I am not saying mental illness doesn’t exist. It very clearly did for me (psychotic symptoms ahoy!). But the ED I had is not the same one I had when I was young and my head was full of very big enemies and monsters. I have been to therapy, blasted through those monsters, solution-focused myself a lot, to work on my well-being. That results in advancement and it did. But then, as someone who is very interested in life and not so interested in food, I started to forget how to care for myself. I didn’t eat enough and bam, ED behaviours aplenty. The steep decline into proper illness began.
My problem, my enemy, is malnutrition. I have full control over it. I just need to eat enough, pay attention to it even if I don’t have an appetite. There is no *real* enemy to me, someone who lives in a Western country where still, food is readily available and affordable to a person with enough money, as I still am. I’ll later discuss the mental health of poor people, for my blog will probably in the future be fairly critical of our modern sick society’s various disordered dysfunctions…
Anyway. I created my enemy, I can kill it. Once I know I can, I of course immediately did, so the battle is over. Which is pretty cool. I am still mildly underweight, but I am working at eating enough and I know I will succeed in this as I have full control over it. Who else would, some monster? (They don’t exist!)
One definite theme of this blog has been exhausted. The next part will be about what kinds of things helped me, didn’t help me, can help others, should be avoided, etc etc. That part will discuss various operations, structures, systems in our society, and how they can really re-produce illness in people who would actually have a very good chance of recovery if someone just told them ‘You can totes do this guuurl (boy, other)’. I reject myself as my enemy. But I don’t think the world is void of those. I am looking, not at myself as the problem, but various other things outwith me. Not to complain, but to discuss, and develop, and suggest new ways of doing things – ways that can benefit others like me. Like I said in a previous post, I fully expect myself to become politically involved one day soon…until then readers, have a very freakin good weekend!