…at many things. We are not very good at living lives that aren’t full of unnatural behaviours and we are not very good at saving the planet. But, humans are very good at moulding, adjusting and regeneration. I have moulded, (re)adjusted and regenerated. I am suddenly no longer interested in writing this blog so much. My new life simply doesn’t require it. I write from a need and when I was recoving, the need was plentiful. Now I notice the need is lesser. I have a need to enjoy life now. I just started a new job and I want to learn how to do that well. The summer is here and I want to enjoy that, so I go out, swim in seas and lakes, walk in the sun, travel, enjoy ice-cream with bae. Why sit down and write about something that is less and less important to me now?
A good reason to write is this comment, from a new acquaintance I met the other night: ‘Doesn’t every woman have an eating disorder at some point, I certainly did’. WTF. Seriously, world, WTF. Now, as I said to her, I would like to think not, that not everyone has to go through this in their life. Also, perhaps some people have some issues with food, some issues that pass in time and don’t perhaps cause such huge problems to them as to some others, who are currently in deep suffering and in danger due to ED. (Not to say lesser suffering is lesser suffering, every instance of human suffering is important.) But for someone to make this statement is a sign of something deeply wrong in the world still. And gurl, I know there are plenty things wrong in the world still. EDs should never, in any person’s mind, exist as something normalized. That is not the world I want to live in, so like, stop the bus now if that’s the destination.
Of course the body positivity discourse exists. But Instagram celebrities and their modified realities exist too. It feels like there are counter-attacks to every good move that is made towards allowing people to exist as they are. Those who judge people on their outer appearance aren’t happy/healthy. But who’s gonna tell that to a 12-year-old getting bullied about being the wrong shape? I wasn’t told, can I trust that someone will now, many (krhmm) years later? Mebbes aye, mebbes no. I am not sure the world is fixed quite yet.
But, the human is mighty. As an individual universe in itself, and as a collective of individuals. I have regenerated, and so can the rest of the society. We can mould our minds and slowly it may be happening. Many good minds are influencing public discourse on the theme of allowance. Allowing individuals to be themselves. That is the most important thing. I really believe this would have a positive effect on the number of people with EDs. Not everyone can and should be the same. In spirit, and in physical form.
I’ve been reading a bit about creative individuals recently. Creative types may be in danger as they do not fit the box. Creative people may also be so consumed by their creativity that all else in forgotten when the creative mood strikes. Sleaping…eating! I think about my case of ED in recent years more and more through the lense of chronic malnutrition, not as your standard idea of ED. In fact, I am not sure EDs, in my universe, exist in the way that they are conceptualized in some text books on the subject. I think my illness (of 2009-2018, rip) was simply about me forgetting to eat enough. There was no mythical monster living inside me, causing havoc. Not eating enough to sustain human cognitive functions was the ‘monster’. It helped me immensely in recovery to remould myself into a simple biological being who hadn’t been working correctly in the brain department because I didn’t eat enough. When I was bulimic, I didn’t ‘eat my feelings’. I was fuckin ravenous. When I threw up, it was because I was uncomfortably over-filled, not because I needed to ‘relieve stress’ or ‘lose a bit more weight’. I have learned enough tricks to work through my difficult feelings in other ways, but my mind wasn’t working correctly due to not eating, and my body wasn’t working correctly due to not eating, so everything was pretty broken.
I feel pretty whole now. I have regenerated muchly and will do some more. No human is a finished product, and that’s cool. I don’t fear the future. I don’t fear many things. Failures aren’t anything to be afraid of. I can improve, try again. Humans can, and humanity. We can change old ways of thinking and doing. How wonderful how everything is always in progress, moving to the unknown, hopefully slowly improving, future.