On Friday, I was accepted back to University to continue my Masters degree in Philosophy. This was something I had been waiting for 3,5 months for, from the time I submitted my plea for the reinstatement of my right to degree completion. I had a statement from my psychiatrist, which supported my own plea and explanation of what had happened to me during my illness and why I thought I could be given my right to study back. It’s sort of weird to try to describe rationally events that were completely irrational. I essentially had to state in my plea that I had lost my mind at the point where I gave up my place to study and that all the reasons I could give, at the time, to discontinuing my studies, were false and untrue. Such reasons as that I could not afford to study anymore (at the time I had enough money to easily study for at least another 6-8 months without working, and indeed I could’ve worked part-time for extra income during my degree), or that I needed to go to work because studying was selfish (the reason I started my degree was that I had noticed my foreign degrees were not well-accepted in the job market in Finland and I was trying to increase my employability with my Masters, d’oh). At the end of the day, in August 2017, I also thought, that if I don’t work full-time, I don’t have a right to exist. I mostly felt I didn’t have a right to exist anyway. I was a bad person who should probably die. I think I stated that in my plea, but perhaps not so directly. But it’s not a lie. My illness, and thoughts, which today seem quite far away from the everyday landscape of my mind, were like so and very true to me at the latter part of last year, and for some years prior too.
I am very pleased to have been given my place on the Masters course back. I was fully expecting to be rejected, because, having received poor treatment at the hands of people whose job is treatment, I notice myself having a fear of poor, unjust treatment and I kind of expect it. When I was ill, everything was difficult and nothing seemed to go my way. I still expect the same to happen. I also notice, having lived through a long period of irrationality, that I expect people to act irrationally too, even though there is no reason why they should. I expected the University to deny my place on the Masters course because they think people who have had mental health problems are weak and that those problems are their own fault.
Those irrational thoughts are somewhat caused by poor treatment in treatment, and I have recently been thinking particularly hard about making an official complaint about a particular member of care staff within the public health care system of my home town. It is sad that they failed to take my health problems seriously and downplayed my symptoms at a time when I was fearing for my life, and I would like to very well forget all about their behaviour towards me. But unfortunately I can’t, for as long as this person is still employed as a psychiatric care specialist and can thus inflict their attitudes upon others who are suffering. My goal for the next few weeks is to finalize my written ‘reminder’, as it is called instead of ‘complaint’, and send it on its way. I hope to, with that, to let go of some of the memories of mistreatment, so that in the future I could expect good results and rationality from any action and plan I undertake. That would be a much more pleasing lifestyle for me, I find!