Pihla’s musings, today

Eating disorders are, in my one-person experience, about black and white. About 1 and 0. About this or that. Complete failure or success. My current task in life at the moment is to learn to live in the grey, in the somewhat, in the slightly so. In uncertainty, with flexibility. Ultimately though, at peace.

Human existence cannot be explained into a fixed formula. There are so many variables and so much can happen. The unexpected, yet often quite expected. There seem to be patterns, yet they can be broken. Ebb and flow, continuous conversation, remoulding, adjusting, recreating. Never completely ‘perfect’ or ‘catastrophic’.

This is different from how it used to be in my world. The world of ones and zeros. The world of EDs is a world seemingly, of order. A weird illusion of control, fixed rules and truths. Yes or no only. If today I fail in my plan/action I am done. That’s it, the world is going to end. Nothing will ever be good again, everything is ruined. It’s always my fault. For I am always bad. No further options are available.

The disordered person reaches for a goal unattainable. They will thus always fail. It’s tiring to try to be perfect! Also, one can never be perfect. Perfect does not exist. It’s a carrot dangling in the air, perhaps conjured up to make humans push themselves to reach various goals. When I don’t suffer from ED brain I don’t need to be perfect. Perfect loses its importance in my life. I’ve realized, through life experience, that reaching for this utopia of a word is futile and only causes great anxiety and disappointment. Unfortunately, the ED brain is senseless and believes utopias are real. Silly ED brain! It tries to do things 110%, because being perfect and in control of everything brings one closer to happiness (untrue). Because only as a perfect being can one earn their right to exist (also untrue).

I fail gloriously at some tasks these days. I celebrate sucking at stuff. I don’t burst into flames, no-one dies. I learn, I reflect, I take corrective steps, try again. I have numbers from 0 to hero in my vocab, 0 & 1 are just some of them. I feel free. Some days I don’t feel free. I may panic, but it’s cool. No-one’s perfect you see. If one day isn’t a huge success, the next can probs be okay again. Everything is all right. Everything is all right.

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