Well today, like most days before that, has been a thought-inducing day for me. This morning I visited my therapist for the last time, for now, and so a significant period of time in my life, in a way, came to an end. Life is a series of parallel processes, and here was one that started at a very different time in my life to now. Upon thinking about these past two years I wish to quote the late Scott Hutchison: ‘I feel better, and better, then worse and then better’*, although for me it was more like worse, worse, worse, then better. It is natural to reflect on the arch of time and its events, and feel many things about the past and the future.
I made my therapist a card. The cover ended up being a collage of things I feel keep me safe and en route in the choppy waters of life. Perceptiveness, a problem-solving, analytical mind, and a hand that is no longer afraid to extend towards another to ask for support. Words, for writing and speaking, to air and process the on-goings and anxieties, and the celebrations and happinesses that life throws at me.
Interestingly perhaps, no mention of food, even though the absolute key to my recovery was nutritional rehabilitation. But you know why? Because to one who is starving, food becomes the most important thing. But to that who is no longer, food is not so significant (unless you’re a chef or have another specific interest in dining-related things). I eat enough and well enough, and this allows me to concentrate on entirely different issues in life, as has always been my true interest. I am interested in helping people, in writing stories, in being a good employee for a good cause, in learning new skills, in meeting interesting people, in experiencing art, in watching movies, in taking big walks, in many, many things. None of that is possible without energy. I have energy!
2019 is gonna be an alright year I think. There are challenges and really good things in my life, and I work through that consistently, without fear. I don’t fear ending my therapy relationship and walking into the world on my own. For I’ve always been the one who has done the most work for my well-being, as so it must be. I have many tools and a mind that bends easily to invent new ones if required. Most importantly, I have people in my life who believe in my capabilities and love me unconditionally. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, more important, and I hope to never forget about that.
*Frightened Rabbit’s Midnight Organ Fight was a firm favourite of a record some years ago