I thought it would be almost compulsory to write an anniversary edition so here I is. On this day Feb 26th, a year ago, I started my recovery. If this was a film, there would be one of those rewind scenes now where I end up on the steps of the Helsinki underground with a newly purchased protein bar in hand, ready to take on the challenge of eating breakfast in the face of all-consuming the world may explode if I eat breakfast type fear. Man, I was relating this story back to my co-workers this morning (I brought in sweets to celebrate and had to explain why the celebrations) whilst eating my breakfast soygurt and one of them exclaimed ‘So there you are, look at you eating breakfast!’ and I was like ‘Gurl plzzzz, I *never* miss breakfast, obvs’ like the no biggy it was. It’s amazing how my life is so different in this respect now and how my mind, through repetition, for you must repeat dining to sustain life, has grown to love instances of nourishment. I notice my energies going down as my mood does too, and I know what to do. I am such an optimistic, happy soul compared to how I used to be. Ourselves need to be motivated to eat and so nature in its wisdom has made dining a pleasant experience – it makes you feel happy. I know food doesn’t fix the problems in my life, but goddammit it can give me the energy to tackle those problems and brain fuel to think of imaginative solutions and ways to approach difficulties relentlessly.
At the moment I live a life where I have a wonderous someone who loves me and whom with I feel at peace, happy, entertained and light. I have grown closer to friends and relatives and made new pals at work too. I enjoy hobbies and although my work does not satisfy me, I am actively working to make that situation more fulfilling too. I am applying to study community development and learning new skills at the occasional evening class etc. I write short stories and poems every week and hope to have more time to invest on that hobby too. I went to the gym at the weekend because I had the energy. I cannot wait for spring and summer holidays.
When I started recovery I exclaimed, probably on here, that I want to be the best possible advert for recovery. I think I am achieving that as well as I can. There is nothing negative about recovery, absolutely nothing. If you are a person suffering from an eating disorder, fearing food, dare to take the leap, into that which scares you the most. I did a year ago and there are no words I could put here to describe how much better everything is now.
I was a teenage hand model, earlier today.